Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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