I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
