my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
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