Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
