just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
