and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
