I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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