had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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