I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize