if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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