Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
