When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
