My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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