ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
So squirting runs in the family.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
