a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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