I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
