I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
