Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
