Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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