i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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