I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
