yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Randomize