Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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