If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
