Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
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