If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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