just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
