Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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