He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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