I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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