Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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