I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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