forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
