You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
