this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
