Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I need a beard to bite.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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