are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
