OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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