Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
