What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
