How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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