I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
