i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
