Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
