Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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