Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
