what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
