After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
