I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
