dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
