there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
