Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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