I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
