I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
