Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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