oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
