Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
