tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
