I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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