girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
