All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
