Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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