3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
