i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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