i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
